It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
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I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
good morning
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being