Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

all that yoga finally paid off

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided