It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
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Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.