Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

bros in the example zone 😭

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.