Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

Just parrot things

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.