Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

About to form my very first opinion