it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
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traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Meat Cute
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.