it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
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Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
