it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
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I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
The answer is funnier than the question
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.