Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

🛁

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.