It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
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The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green