It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
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Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”