it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
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My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
no exceptions
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies