Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?