it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
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Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.