it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.