it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.