it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
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I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Me trying to look natural in photos
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.