Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

How to woo a woman

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

Finally!

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.