Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.