Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

I have never related to anyone more.

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

🐟✨ #re4

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.