It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
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Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..