Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
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What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.