Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.