It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
You Might Also Like
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Hmm 🧐
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean