It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
#Thanos #MondayMood
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.