It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
next question.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
happy halloween
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.