It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
be careful
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Schrödinger’s cookie
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”