It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one