Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

ㅤ

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels