It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women
Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER