Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

good let them take over I have had enough

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

Thank you corporation very cool

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.