It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
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If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.