It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
You Might Also Like
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this