Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.