It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
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Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
it be like that
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Actually cracking up @ this
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE