Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.