It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO