it must be school picture day
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When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.