it must be school picture day
You Might Also Like
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
weaknesses
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.