it must be school picture day
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[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Wednesday
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
LMAO
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero