it must be school picture day
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this year felt like being awake during surgery
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I have obtained a hat
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell