it must be school picture day
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Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
what day is it?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.