it must be school picture day
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a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed