it must be school picture day
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You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Good morning.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down