it must be school picture day
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My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
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I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
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taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise