It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
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Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.