It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
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*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.