It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
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It’s actually Dr. whatever
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
*puts words between two asterisks*
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I’m going to need a moment here.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”