It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
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oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
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Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
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I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
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The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ