Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.