“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
You Might Also Like
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder