“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
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Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Be vigilant
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.