“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
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Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
2 years later
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Jupiter
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!