It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
The struggle is real.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Lmao
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.