It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
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Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.