Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone