It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Perfect
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
