It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
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“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
huge if true: the moon
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
Terribly Tuesday.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.