It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.