It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.