It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.