It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Winnipeg!!
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.