It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
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police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.