It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
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My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.