It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
You Might Also Like
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
What?!?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
