It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Look Ma, no handle on things
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.