Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal