It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
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I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.