Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

they really wanted me dead for this

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

What?!?

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up