It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin.

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Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!


It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists


The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.


“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”


“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.


[watching sunset]

me: wow its pretty

gf: funny how the slow death of something that once burned so passionately can be beautiful

me: haha what lol

gf: we need to talk


Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…


19: Help me think of a tweet.

Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.

19: Maaaaa!


Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?