FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
This is hilarious….
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.