@040204Lawson

It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin.

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@avainwordland

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

@belleykell

It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists

@JoParkerBear

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

@mean_crow

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

@Marlebean

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

@leakypod

[watching sunset]

me: wow its pretty

gf: funny how the slow death of something that once burned so passionately can be beautiful

me: haha what lol

gf: we need to talk

@noogscorner

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

@Pee_And_Giggles

19: Help me think of a tweet.

Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.

19: Maaaaa!

@hyperblastchic

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?