Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.