It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
You Might Also Like
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
dude it’s called proctologist
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.