It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
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Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.