Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

i did the math

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.