It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
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Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.