It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
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It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
me when the borders lift
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house