“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
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Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
What is going on? 😅
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.