“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
You Might Also Like
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Flock of bats
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”