Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

Here’s a meme

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Finished stitching this today 😇

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago