It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
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If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich