It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
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Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
All excellent questions
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.