It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Matthew was born for this.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you