It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
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I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Yup.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone